He looks at her with a radiant look, she considers him brilliant: lovers cannot but admire the subject of their feelings. But for durable love, mutual admiration – it seems that one of the necessary conditions.
After twenty years of living together, someone still looks at the satellite with admiration, and for someone his mind, talent and other virtues become familiar and no longer cause the former delight. There are those whose attitude is somewhere in the middle between these two marks-they recall the advantages of the partner from time to time. “I know that I have a wonderful husband, but not to repeat about it daily. Although sometimes he will suddenly say something in a conversation, from which the same delight from which my love for him grew up ten years ago again, ”says 45-year-old Valentine.
Admiration – the beginning of love. “Without it, the couple could not have taken place,” the family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova is sure. – There is self -forgetfulness in this feeling – because if we could not be distracted from ourselves, we simply would not have seen another, all the more we would not have found perfection in it. There is a desire that attracts us to connect with this, fulfilled by the virtues of others. “.
Create your own story
Falling in love, we discover another person for ourselves, his world, tastes, habits – and many in it admire. Admiration forms the basis of history, which is created by two. It is simultaneously the myth of creation and the myth of fate. “The admiration is the phase of the development of the couple, as before it was a phase in the development of the child,” emphasizes Gestalt therapist Iv Mouiresse. He explains that the two first stages of growth of the child are associated with a sense of admiration. At first this is the admiration that the mother experiences in front of the baby, and then the return admiration of the child with the mother, who cares about him*. “With the help of this feeling, a baby, for which there is still no difference between him and the outside world, streamlines various signals coming from outside, builds an idea of himself, gradually gaining internal integrity. The same thing happens in a couple: I admire you, you admire me, we love each other. To some extent, we create each other “. From the point of view of Elena Ulitova, this is a mutual process: “We are looking for the look of another and achieve its recognition, that is, what will reinforce our self -confidence and that we exist as a couple”.
* Read more see. In the book of Khinets Kochut “Analysis of the Self” (Kogito Center, 2003).
Do not create an idol
Each of us has something wonderful: patience, the ability to enjoy life, culinary talents or fidelity to friends. But “beauty is in the eyes of the watching”: these properties are not available to every look, they should be noted. not turning, however, delight into worship. “If the child did not feel that his mother rejoices that she likes him, and did not learn to answer this with his own sense of joy and pleasure, a sense of lack of life remains with him for life. Having become an adult, he can try to fill this gap, deifying his partner, ”Yves Mouress explains. Anyone who is not confident in his value does not feel worthy of the love of the other and, behind an excess of delight, hides his unpleasant need to be considered to be considered to be seriously accepted. He no longer admires, but extols, does not like, but loses himself. “Such unbalanced relations do not necessarily collapse, but they are harmful,” emphasizes Elena Ulitova. – In them, the personality of the “fan” is increasingly depreciating, and the object of worship feels depressed high expectations ”. Disappointment is inevitable. The 37-year-old Vsevolod says: “I broke up with my friend, because she ascended me to such a pedestal that I was always afraid to take a wrong step. I have no right left to doubt or error. In the end, I’m just tired of this “.
The relationship is changing!
Moreover, their development in the pair goes through several stages, which are surprisingly similar to the phases of the development of the child. Family Psychotherapists Ellin Bader and Peter Pirson created a model of evolution of marital relations*. Most of all, a partner admires the first and fifth stage, but in adulthood is less fantasy, more respect and understanding.
1. Symbiosis. Crazy love, merging of personalities and living space. The goal is attachment. The similarity between partners is exaggerated, and the differences are ignored.
2. Differentiation. Overthrow of a partner from a pedestal, mutual study. The goal is to establish boundaries. Struggle for their opinion.
3. Education. The attention of partners is not aimed at each other, but to the outside world. The goal is the development of the “I”. Conflicts intensify.
4. Establishment of relations. The partners have decided on their personality and expect support from each other. The goal is to establish a balance between proximity and independence. Getting rid of children’s complexes that interfere with happiness in family life.
5. Interdependence. Two successful human life establish a solid connection. The goal is constancy. Mutual assistance in development is more important for relations, and not satisfaction of needs. IN. R.
* E. Bider, p. Parson “In Search of the Mife Para” (Publishing House of the Moscow Psychological and Social Institute, 2008).
Return to reality
Admiration, which has not passed the test of reality, becomes self -deception and brings only harm. In order for it to benefit, you need to afford to see reality without embellishment. As in childhood, when after the merger a period of destruction of illusions occurs: this is necessary that the child be able to separate from the mother. The honeymoon also ends: the understanding comes that our partner is not the perfect person who was drawn to us in our fantasies. We remove our projections from him, release from our desires and notice his imperfections, awkwardness, inability. Sometimes as a result, we begin to blame him for deception, as if we were not composing his image ourselves, and it was he who was maliciously fooling our heads, and we are going to look for another object of worship. But here we will be wrong. “Going to create a new fantasy, we would have missed the opportunity to open our partner again, at a deeper level,” says Elena Ulitova. – and at the same time open before him and with him himself “.
Open and open
Living next to another person, we will recognize him in more detail and deeper. What he loves for breakfast – and for which he does not like the cousin, what mixes him – and how he experiences the insult, copes with the failures. We see its sincerity and vulnerability. At the same time, we ourselves are at risk of opening, showing our weakness. “Sometimes we are experiencing shame under the gaze of a partner,” Elena Ulitova remarks, “and when we understand that he does not condemn us, we experience a difficult feeling: both gratitude and relief, which then transfer us to a new level of intimacy”. There is no naivety in genuine admiration. It is painted with respect, unconditional acceptance of the truth of another and becomes a force that strengthens a couple. When we have the opportunity to open before the loving gaze of another, we treat ourselves with great acceptance, restore our self -esteem. “I grew up with very demanding parents,” recalls 33-year-old Anna. – Whatever I do, it never was good enough. And when it turned out well, I should not talk about it so that I would not be caught fire, that was their firm principle! I was sure that I was ugly and stupid, I was not good for anything. But my friend always expresses his admiration to me, and this gives me incredible power and self -confidence. “.
Continue movement
Not easy to admire. Moreover, “the individualistic, built in competition, the society derives relations in which we will lament others, deny another for the sake of our own personal development or social success,” Yves Mouress emphasizes Yves. The ability to admire the one requires a certain work on oneself, the development of disinterested attention to another, spiritual generosity. To admire, we learn to return for the initial readiness for the meeting and acceptance, to the delight inherent in childhood or the
first time of the relationship of the couple. Listen to another when he says, not to focus on what we, as it seems to us, know about him, to accept that he himself can change, that he does not belong to us once and for all. “Love is a game with something eliminating, not with what can become ours, become us, but with something else, always different, always unattainable, always future,” concludes Yves Mress. Since my partner, no matter how familiar he seems, always remains different, admiration becomes the key to the long -term existence of the couple.